The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
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Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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