Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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