I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
