There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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