My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
