So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
