We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
