he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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