The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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