Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
