I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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