we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
