there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
