I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Drunk is a universal language darling
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
