Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
