Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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