When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
