Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
