So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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