Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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