The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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