Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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