How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I have tasted many bathrooms
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
