Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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