so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
