Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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