did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
