Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
