I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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