i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I had to cum in my sink.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
