i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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