Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How naked do you want me to be?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
