You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
