I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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