My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
