if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
