How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
