I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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