dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize