I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
