I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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