Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
