it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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