Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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