the condom got lost in my hair
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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