My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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