i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
