forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
