I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
