His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
