Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
