if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
