please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
