Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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