guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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